My post-secondary education plans have been really taking a toll on my mind. Originally, I was planning on going to Memorial, however, the cost of university alone outweighs the benefits of getting a degree that I may or may not be able to find employment with. I also want to avoid over $60,000 worth of debt, because for Christ’s sake, BA’s are a dime a dozen these days.

There was also the issue of finding something I would actually like in university and not being forced to settle for a course that I’m only slightly interested in. Even if I did find something I enjoy, take gender studies and sociology for example, I know for a fact that I do not have what it takes to actually graduate. I am not conventually academic by any means and the current education system does not coerce well with individuals such as myself. 

Honestly, I have major difficulty reading and concentrating. I’ve always been horribly introverted, I have issues with communication and getting my thoughts out properly in a short amount of time. I live so far in to my own mind that nothing feels real to me whatsoever, almost like I’m in a dream or just a ghost. 

The only real release I have is art, which has been my primary form of expression since before I can remember. My entire life, I dreamed about being able to pursue a professional relationship with it that didn’t involve more social interaction than what is necessary. Which is why NSCAD seemed like a fantastic option for me. It’s technically a university, but its sole focus is on different mediums of visual art, so I am still able to get a higher education (with low tuition rates) in an area that I love. At least with art, I can pour myself fully into everything that I create and get my message across, which is all I’ve ever wanted. 

And really, I don’t give a shit about having a high net worth. My goal in life is not to live in excess, but to live minimally. I’m perfectly fine with living in a small apartment or studio in a downtown area, I never wanted a typical bungalow or house anyway. However, my only concern with being potentially low-income due to pursuing art, is the fact that I am trans. Obviously its a costly burden and T will be difficult to pay for without stable employment and I am terrified of living in self-hatred forever. 

This all goes through my mind constantly, and lately I’ve been having issues connecting and being physically and emotionally intimate with people (more so than usual). I really only find comfort in being alone and being left to my art, which is something I can rarely do because of the work-heavy courses I’m currently taking. 

Everything is just slipping away from me and I’m losing my mind.